Mahoganie.wordpress.com's blog

Another Chapter, Another Volumn...Closed

I'm sure by now everyone in the Vox community has received the email or the blog post announcing the site's closing. I guess if I were feeling emo about it I would shed a tear or two and probably panic as to where do I turn now to scribble my thoughts. Though I am very grateful for the friends I connected with and made on this site, to be honest Vox stopped feeling like "home" months ago. Actually maybe for a year or so now. Vox was introduced to me in a time of my life when I was faced with an interesting transition on and offline. Offline I facing a new beginning of divorcing from a depressed life I had known. Little did I know that the new beginning would mean literally what it says... thus I became a mother.

Vox was here when I needed to grief and worry about losing part of my past in order to save and prepare me for the future.. and celebrate when good news came my way.

I thank if and every one of you whom I made some kind of connection with, especially those of you that allowed our virtual connection to go beyond Vox and onto Facebook, Twitter and etc.

As mentioned in an entry I wrote months ago, I migrated my Vox blog to a Word Press site. http://mahoganieisthenewblackvelveteen.wordpress.com  - It's still the more personal blog - the brave, the messy, the insecure, the triumphs, the flaws, the warmth, the love... everything. (non-searchable)

Then there is is this http://mahoganie.wordpress.com - where I concentrate more on my journey as a writer/journalst. (searchable)

 

Thanks for the memories Vox. But it's time to move on......for good.

Moved & Never Can Say Goodbye to Big

Hey Vox Fam... Well I did it! I moved my vox blog to Word Press. Been there for a min. So if wanna keep reading the boring, the exciting, the randomness that is me.. it's all here.. http://mahoganieisthenewblackvelveteen.wordpress.com/

Below is the most recent entry ripped from the WP. :) Enjoy! hope to see you over on the other side.

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I’m not sure if it is fair to say that I feel like a revamped version of Carrie Bradshaw. Besides, the comparison seems very cliche’ and old now. Even with the success of the first movie after the TV show and the added hype and downfall success of the sequel, I noticed that more and more women in their 20s and 30s are claiming to be mini Carries. Finally a local blogger shouted across her twitter “NOT EVERYONE CAN BE CARRIE!!!!”

While I may have claimed the Carrie status somewhere in my 20s, I wonder about today..present day. 30 year-old me; a writer/journalist who ended up being a single-parent in a four-year relationship with a guy totally opposite of anything I’ve dealt with; which is a good thing. In the beginning I blogged/talked about my fears entering into this relationship, but never really got into all the nitty gritty details from really deep conversations to even the wonderful sexcapades shared between us. Maybe this is because this one feels special and it all still feels fragile that I don’t want to jinx it or ruin it in any way. 

I harp on the fact that within these four years, it has been nothing but bliss….seriously. No arguments between us. It use to freak me out, because I would worry about the “what if.” He’s never seen my temper and I haven’t seen his. So “what if” something brings us to that boiling point where tempers are shown? 

But I found out that this bliss isn’t too uncommon among couples. My most recent witness to this has been my own godparents. Just before my godfather’s death two weeks ago…three weeks before everyone gathered to celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary. In the midst of his thanks yous and proclamation of love to his wife, my godfather mentioned that the two of them have been married for 30 years but have known each other for 40 and throughout that time they have NEVER had an argument. All I wanted to do at the time was cry in my seat at the realization that I just may have something truly special in my life, outside of my daughter.

But here’s where the “Carrie-esque” life is haunting me.

Remember during the TV series when Carrie was dating Aiden and kept freaking out because there was no drama between the two of them and her subconscious mind found it unsettling? She thought she was missing the drama in her life and that drama was mainly Mr. Big. Eventually Big reentered her life causing a stir which all of us die-hard fans know what drama that caused.

Well…my own version of Big as re-entered. Sorta. Kinda. My HIM from New York. It’s been four years since his unexplained(now explained) disappearing act. We made amends when he reappeared, but I was up front in letting him know that I’ve changed, things have changed…hell..life had changed.  We’ve been trying to move past what “could have been.” Our discussions are generally brief in nature and far and few, but even those brief moments seems 20 percent bullshit and 80 percent kismet. Always going back to “would’ve, could’ve, should’ve.”

By the end I feel the regretful thinking is a waste. I even offered him a wishful thought…of perhaps maybe we’ll have next lifetime or if we’re really lucky… when he’s 80 and I’m 67. Then last night a longer conversation. One in which I told my side of the story.. about life. He told his side a few months ago.  He expressed his sympathies on what I’ve gone through and wished I would have let him in during that time. In so many words I told him it was a good thing we never got closer during that time of turmoil. It probably would have ruined something genuine or maybe exposed it for being just on the surface. Either way…damaging.

Thanks to technology, all conversations have been through instant messenger…..yet……

A month or so ago, out of time and out of impulse without much thought I gave him my phone number. He hasn’t used it. Last night he gave me his. I doubt I’ll use it. Too scared that even if I do…just to say hello…tears will flow like they use to on contact at the sound of his voice. I don’t need the reminder…nor the (potential) drama.

Always in the end…I weigh the pros and cons. My HIM from NY seems to be the delicious delight…my ultimate kryptonite just from our mental and emotional connection alone. That’s our intimacy as we NEVER been physically intimate.

Still my Papi of four years wins. Why? It’s simple. No drama and he loves me. Is marriage on the way? Can’t say. Just taking it one day at a time.

It's Not A Come Back Entry, More Like Drop In

Leapin....er umm Slithering Lizard?

Wow. As it been nearly a month since I last wrote an entry in my personal blog? I guess so. Needless to say I'm a graduate! By the eve of graduation my anxiety was gone and I awoke the next morning ready to receive my official papers aka the degree. I'll admit I got teary-eyed a few times, but after the ceremony, a late lunch with the family and romp and downing rum punches at the newest reggae spot - Patty's Boom Boom Room - I was one happy sister to FINALLY get that monkey off my back!

Life post graduation has been ok .. so far.. could be better. However I won't lament on it on how I really do need a full time gig. I just finished my first freelance article for the paper I did my internship under. The article took me weeks to construct considering all of the interviews I conducted and information I gathered and terribly focused very first ROUGH draft. Nevertheless, the topic was fun and something I enjoyed and I'm actually nervous to know what the editor will think.

I'm not sure why I'm trying to sooo hard to make a good lasting impression. I think I just want to be taken seriously, but I keep trying to tell myself to relax a bit and that the people have already accepted me... or have they? After all it's a new set of editors now, since the ones I originally worked under have left.

Every now and then I still have dreams that I'm sure have meaning to them. Most recently a dream in which my former boss, Mr. Yellow, and I are embraced in a kiss. A long seductive lip lock with tongue kiss. What concerned me the most was that he had a tongue ring and the kiss very good. It was a kiss I dreamed that I could actually feel. I had the dream nearly two weeks ago.... which was about three weeks from when I saw him. Yeah, Mr. Yellow and I laid eyes on each other for the first time in nearly four years.

I knew it would only be a matter of time since we kind of run in the same circles.. even more so that he now owns a local venue that our circles frequent. The night in "question" took place after a community event in which he attended as well. Mr. Yellow didn't notice me right away at the event, but my circle decided to have a small get together at Mr. Yellow's venue after the event so there was no way he could have missed me right in his face. Still I made the first move as he busied himself not far from me. Needless to say I was taken aback by his cordial and welcoming reaction - considering when I stopped working for him.. it ended on a sour note.

We shook hands and I think later we actually did a short hug. We made small talk but basically running in circles with the whole "how are you doing?" thing.  The greetings and chit chat was very brief and eventually I excused myself to meet up with my friend. I never really had it figured out in my head what I would say to him if we actually crossed paths. However, a large part of me did think he would see me and have a flashback to how I ruffled his feathers back then.. but again.. that was back then.. the past. Does it even matter any more?

Still.. the dream... 

A kiss can either show unity (especially since there was a tongue ring involved) or betrayal. With Mr. Yellow.. I'm not sure which way that wind will blow.

We haven't seen each other since, but I feel as if I'm on my guard when I'm around my circle that intertwines with his. I certainly don't need past baggage to surface...especially when that baggage includes a relative that became worrisome and almost stalker-like.

Ultra Sensitive

HU announcement

It's after midnight, making it officially the eve of "G-Day"...yanno graduation day.  As of late I'm a big ball of mess, with sparadic moments of having strong urges to cry. Unfortunately I cannot attribute those crying urges to moments of excitment or feelings of happiness. After all I have only been working and waiting for this day for 11 years. Instead I've been experiencing meltdowns and erractic behavior due to....well actually I don't know.

Maybe because I picked the wrong hair color and hair style for my graduation do. I've been fighting with my hair for a week now and it seems to win every time.

Maybe it's because silly me - in trying to be practical and cute - switched from a big purse to a clutch and placed my bank card too close to my cell phone to cause it to demagnitize. I have to wait seven business days for a replacement.

Maybe it's because now that I've finally received my Bachelor's I am facing real life now. Play time (whatever that is) is truly over. Still the idea of a 9 to 5 behind a desk at a job that is not fulfilling scares the fucking shit out of me. Still people are putting the bug "the federal governement is hiring" in my ear. My body instantly wants to spew every bit of contents inside it. Don't these people remember my experience last time in the government?

Perhaps it's all of the above.

I just know right now I'm ultra sensitive.

I hope this all blows over by the time Saturday gets here.

Money

Life feels weird right now. In a matter of days I will know my fate. Will I officially be cleared to graduate in May? In the meantime everything seems to be moving in place. All except for money.

I'm hurting right now, because my mom is hurting...stressed out. I hate when she is like this. When something stresses her out it's a domino effect - meaning everyone feels it - especially if the next situation that comes her way is followed by another "stressful" situation. Money is tight from all angles right now. It's starting to show on my mom's face.

I wish I could make this all go away. Everyone's financial problem solved. Mine, my grandmother's and even my parents can use the extra cushion. Yet the numbers don't lie and time doesn't go according to man necessarily. I need a big miracle to happen to ease this pain.

Maybe I'm being a bit dramatic. Maybe this will all blow over in another day or two. Still, right here and now.. doesn't feel so good, especially when looking at the future and all the things that need to be accomplished with....money.

Curvy Randoms

Life has thrown me a couple of curve balls lately. Still, I'm coming out ok. I'm feeling pretty random today so maybe I'll list some random things on my mind and add in the the curve balls in between.

- I peeped the the Lady Gaga and Beyonce' "Telephone" video a few weeks ago. People can say what they want about GaGa, but I love her theatrical style, abstract meanings and so forth. The video for Telephone, though had nothing to do with the actual lyrics - well maybe the chorus - had some kind of meaning behind its Quentin Tarantino Kill Bill spoof. I don't follow culture critic Toure on Twitter, but a few days after the video premiere I stumbled on his Twitter timeline. He actually hit the meanings/symbols in the video right on the head.

Toure's Tweets (@ToureX)

"In Telephone Gaga's saying stop calling me, I don't want to think, I want to unplug from the world and just lose myself in dancing/clubbing. "

"Gaga's desire to unplug from society is in the video in 3 ways: leaving prison, killing e'one in the diner & "promising" to never return... "

"In killing e'one in the diner she is symbolically killing Americana but she's in red, white & blue so she too is America... "

"Which to me says [MEME REDACTED] which is a very powerful symbol. "

"But America is almost constantly at war with itself & battling to define itself like a teenager fighting toward their identity"

"Gaga in prison w glasses made of burning cigarettes (which we all know is prison currency) is her entering "jail-rich" & using $ as fashion."

Course, cigarettes are also called fags and she's wearing the cigarette glasses as she kisses a woman in a "prison for bitches."

- Thanks to Beyonce' now whenever I tell someone they have been "very bad" it just comes out sounding erotic.

- I have a taste for a nice ice cold glass of Sangria and a plate full of Cuban cuisine

Curveball 1: After four years of an unexplained disappearing act my HIM from New York has resurfaced. My long ago kryptonite that made me cry on contact at the sound of his voice oozing over the phone. A connection so strong without physical intimacy, but a real life Carrie and Big played out; the push and pull and 13 year age difference that probably played a role. I was left speechless when I logged onto my instant messenger after neglecting it for months and reading an offline message from HIM in the midst of countless others wondering where I was hiding. Honestly, I felt as if I were being punk'd. Four years? Really?

He finally caught up to me. We talked. There is an explanation; one that baffles me a bit but at least I have a sense that it wasn't as if he stood me up many moons ago. It was more of a situation in which he didn't trust me enough to let me in on what was really going on with him. He claimed that for four years all he could think about was how he was never able to tell me the truth and how he truly felt for me but didn't want me to judge him. All he wanted was my forgiveness.  I forgave.

Imagine his shock to learn that I've become a mother. "Someone beat me to it" is all he could say. I was quiet. Shortly after the conversation ended with him saying "take care." It was weird. I wanted him to say more. Something to let me know that I didn't imagine those feelings and emotions back then when he was around. A couple of days later we talked again. I went for the gusto asking him was everything he felt real. He affirmed, but perhaps miffed by my questions he asked "what are we doing here and now?"

I grabbed a hold of myself. Obviously we can't move forward together. Things are very cozy with Papi, but still like he always does when he resurfaces, my HIM from NY haunts me. However, as I said about ghosts, all they want is to be remembered. My HIM from NY will not be forgotten. 

- I picked up the current issues of Essence and Ebony magazines. I can't believe how stunning singer Sade looks @ 50 and is gracing the cover of Ebony. I skimmed through Essence and saw the photo spread of Shaquille O'Neal's (ex?) wife, Shaunie. She is GORGEOUS! Shaq what was you thinking man to step out on her?

Curveball 2:  Dreams still consume me as I had one recently that is probably a reflection about another transition that will take place soon. In a matter of weeks I'll be graduating and my internship will end. I love the publication and love what I am doing despite that faux pas from a few ago. Yet, I feel conflicted inside. Part of me wants to stay long after the internship ends and really buckle down and build my "career" from there. But the other part me isn't quite sure if this is "home" for me. Everyone is great, but sometimes I feel a bit out of place. I'm (maybe) one of a couple or really the only black chic on the editorial side. The office culture itself is one like no other (from my previous work places) where it's serious enough to produce work but very informal. Hell, they initiate and encourage bake offs for staff member's birthdays and have a massage therapist that comes once a month. Everyone seems to have a quirk about them which is one of the things I love about this place, but still....how do I fit in... DO I even fit in? I'll even admit that after reading an email the other day about a new hire who is fresh out of school kinda brought me down. The email pretty much illustrated how the new hire is truly dedicated to the profession of journalism.

My dream took me to a scene from a show I caught on TV a few weeks ago; Culture Clash Wedding - where couples who want to go outside of their own tradition and have a wedding of another culture. My dream was based off an episode of a White Christian couple prepping for a traditional Hindu wedding. In the dream I was in a traditional Hindu wedding saree and I was still being prepped. I was sitting as my hair was being worked on and I was greeted by a receiving line of White people which I presumed in the dream were my hubby-to-be's family. I don't remember much of anything else, but that particular scene as that stood out the most.

Normally weddings in a dream signfy commitment and transition. At this point I'm not exactly sure what's in store for me beyond May.

- I need a new pair of jeans. Another (favorite) pair bit the dust.

- Wanting some of that vanilla yogurt in the fridge now

- I took too long to write this.

 

 

Snow Mood

Snow Trench?

The sixth day of enduring this blizzard.. or really its aftermath has been a bit hard for me. I understand that all this snow is NOT going away overnight, but seeing it played with my emotions today. I started to feel down about it all. Not sure why I was down. I think mainly because I felt disconnected from the outside world. Granted I live in DC (still in city limits) but my area is mainly residential, so it's nothing like living downtown or along Capitol Hill or other quaint city neighborhoods where there are shops, bars, resturants and other forms of social activities to indulge to help ease the cabin fever. Granted, city officials have been long at work in bring some of those same convinences to my parts of DC, but it's slow and far in few in coming.

To top it off, my end of the city seemed to regress back to how it use to be. During a snowstorm we were the last to be plowed out and have our streets salted. Over time, we saw progress where it did seem the city officials, mainly a mayor, that actually showed concern, sent plows to our quadrant of the city in the same manner and respect as the other areas. However, Mayor Fenty dropped the ball BIG TIME w/ this blizzard. I won't even get into airing any grievances on this space. It just seems like a waste at this point. Nevertheless, while others who lived closer in broke free and were able to have easy underground subway access and took advantage of walking through the snow to have a little fun, residents on my end were stuck and pretty much dug themselves out by hand and shovel and whatever means neccessary to get out. It's not a game! Plows hadn't been on the streets of Southeast, DC in days since the storm had started, while Columbia Heights, Dupont Circle and some other spots were getting plowed and salted with ease.

But I digress...

Today we did make some kind of progress on my street. Eventually with the flash of my father's DC government credentials, a plow driver took care of our street. Later this evening a bobcat tackled our alley. Now all that is left is to dig up the cars and tackle the alley a bit more so we can move the cars to the front of the house.

Aside from all of this, my emotions were really torn between regretting postponing my birthday gathering too soon and moving it to next Saturday to wanting to canceling it altogether. I'm not sure why I'm so "emotional" about this. I think because I really had high hopes to do something big for my 30th. but inch by inch the champagne dreams seem to fizzle into beer. Well, maybe it's not that drastic but still. I know it's crazy .. I know.. but yeah my emotions were really going for it today.

My mood lightened as I got to talk to a few friends by phone and they were telling me about their adventures in the snow. It was a laugh I needed for today. Actually by evening I felt a lot better.

Not sure what my mood is doing lately to be honest. I'm still happy, but I'm not all day happy. Just spotty moodiness at best. Hate this feeling. I NEED to feel carefree again. This trapped in the house is for the birds.

Funny thing is... the forecast calls for MORE snow on Monday into Tuesday.

This has to be a joke.

Thoughts In the Snow

 

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So I'm one of the thousands (maybe millions) of DC area folks stuck in the blizzard of Feb 2010...affectionately dubbed "Snowpocalypse pt.2" aka "Snowtoriousbig." I guess since I have the time and the energy at nearly 1 a.m. I can crank out a blog entry in this "personal" space to let those that are concern know what's going in my world as well as just personally kinda spell out some things (audience or not).

Item 1. - Blogging - Actually I am trying my darndest to hold on to this space. I'm not sure why. I guess because all of my deep personal emotions are tied to this blog space (after the death of my ULTIMATE tell all hosted by Diary-X....a moment of silence for the Blackvelveteen online journal..........). Yet I feel this space has out grown me or I've out grown it. My world has been hectic and too much on the up and up to lament about life. This is actually good, and even though there are times when I feel I should blog about something even while things are good, my energy levels are low by the time I get home, settled and try to write out something for "leisure." I do have a new space where I try to focus more on my growth as a writer (both in the creative and journalistic realm). To be honest.. I love the Word Press format better and actually do find excitement in running to logon and create a new entry. Only thing I wish WP had, is the Flickr account integration that Vox has.

Imagine my surprised when I learned I could import the pages of this journal here on Vox over there. I'm strongly leaning towards that option and making this journal underground. Quasi-private... or maybe private altogether as I'm slowly reaching new heights of recognition. Not that I'm ashamed or have anything to hide. Right now as I'm crossing into something new and people ARE taking notice I don't want to have ALL of my GUTS out right off the break ....if at all. And no I'm not trying to be something I'm not nor hid who I really am. Right now it feels different. It's one thing when you're a "nobody" in real time spilling your guts into cyber space, there's still that anonymous allure about it. People relate and connect to you by what your write, especially if it is raw and from the gut, but they don't know ALL about you.

Hmmm

Item 2. - Internship - I loooooooooooooove my internship. I've written a bit about my experience thus far in my new space. Actually I'm praying this turns into a job. Papi seems to think so and a couple of others are trying to whisper that into my ear. The atmosphere, the work and the content of the work... sooooo me. I don't know how to explain it except to say; alternative, off beat, bohemian, snarky, different but with integrity. All so me.

Item 3. - Birthday - So my birthday is approaching. Actually it's on Monday. I'm turning 30th, but this snow is hindering plans. Maybe I shouldn't complain. Maybe I should just shut up and let God do his work. Yet, the humanly flaw within me won't shut up my thoughts. Monday, my actual birthday, is suppose to be spent with my group of sixth grade boys again. It will be my second session with them. Yet, plans are up in the air because of the snow and I have a feeling the day may be cancelled altogether. This is too much snow. We're talking up to 30 inches by the time it's over....this weekend. Then as next week rolls in I'm suppose to have a birthday gathering come the Saturday before Valentine's Day. Nothing big, just a small group of family and friends to come out and celebrate with me. However, I was not long ago informed that the forecast calls for MORE SNOW next weekend! UGH! I already informed my guests with a notation on the invites, if it snows I'm canceling and holding off until May to have a graduation/belated birthday celebration.

Again, maybe I shouldn't complain, but I was really starting to look forward to celebrating my birthday in a fabulous way. Happy 30th to me!

Item 4. - I'm still Dreaming - Thursday before the hoopla of the snow, I had two strange dreams. Dream 1 I was inside my church and on a stairwell heading to one of the meeting rooms for..well a meeting. The drummer from my church appears and is racing to catch up to me and he kisses me.. like on the lips... the mouth.. passionately. I was taken aback, because although he is a sweet guy in reality.. he's not my type. He's only a few years older and we did grow up together in that church, but we're nothing more than friends. For the rest of THAT dream I was just perplexed by the kiss.

In Dream 2, I was in a clothing store, more like a bridal boutique of some sort. I was in the store with two other women, but right now I can't remember who. I just remember leaving the two and immediately was drawn to this retro looking cocktail dress. I believe it was Ivory. I was in love with the dress, but here comes some sales lady who was trying to show me other clothing items, such as some blouses. But the blouses were made with cheap material. I kept eyeballing the dress that I fell in love with but sort of second guessing if I should go for the dress.  Then the dream flipped where I'm in a beauty salon? I'm talking to this well known Dominican beautician and she's convincing me she will have my hair looking healthy. (When I initially awoke, I thought that part had something to do with a story I'm currently working on about black women going to Dominican salons) The dream flipped again when my hair was done and I looked in the mirror and I almost cried because my hair turned out THICKER and HEALTHIER than I had expected. I was in disbelief that it was MY hair. But I kept combing my fingers through my hair and it was was tangle free and flowing.

When I fully awoke I knew immediately that Dream 2 had something to do with more growth I'm going through or about to go through. The symbol of the hair was a dead give away, but the first part of that dream and Dream 1 still baffled me. Later I was in a conversation with a friend of mine who is also a writer and in the middle of his spiritual journey, but he doesn't dream nor does he understand some the symbols to them...well.. untill last night.

Last night we were in a casual conversation about our children and our spiritual paths. I casually mentioned my dreams but told it to him in reverse order, giving him Dream 2 first. Ironically he had a slightly different spin on it other than growth. He related it to the story of Samson and how his hair was a symbol of his strength and with me being doubtful about my hair in the dream it's probably a sign that I don't know my own strength (Cue my latest favorite song by Whitney right now) and even with the first part of the dream with me wanting the more expensive and elegant dress with the better quality it's a sign that I probably still feel insecure about what I can and can't have.. that I'm still not good enough to have the better quality in life, therefore I don't go for it. Then the kicker came when I told him about the Dream 1 and the kiss. He hesitated and said he felt something in his spirit and he hoped it wasn't so, but for some reason the dream reminded him of betrayal; Judas kissing Jesus. Then he reminded me of a conversation we had a week ago about someone that that disturbed my day and how I always feel as if I have to be on guard when crossing paths with this individual. To sum it altogether he related both dreams to each other, by saying (in so many words) I have more strength and fight in me than I think I do when it comes to facing this opposing individual and that I shouldn't back down and retreat to the low standard when I deserve the better, higher quality.

It's not everyday, if at all, I hear a person tell me there's something in their spirit or MY spirit that is telling them something. As always, I'll be the first to admit that my spiritual walk has been mere baby steps on my part and filled with spots of doubt as I want to ask God so many questions about why this is and why that can't be. And I'm usually skeptical when another person interjects with their thoughts and so forth, but I'm not that naive to ignore when God is talking and trying to reach me. It may take me a while to give it my attention, so God may have to literally put up huge ROAD BLOCKS that say "LOOK THIS WAY!" But I get it. A large part of me doesn't believe my friend is far off the mark. In fact I feel as if his perspective makes perfect sense in my case.

Item 5. - Time - I realized long ago that time waits for no man. I can't believe it was a year ago that I returned to school to finish my last year as an undergrad. I can't believe it has taken me ten years plus years to complete this goal, but I'm doing it. In May I will be in cap and gown on the main yard having my degree confirmed and getting hooded. The future wants to play around in my head, but right now I feel as if I can only deal with the RIGHT NOW. When I think about this accomplishment I want to cry buckets of joy, but I hold back. I think I'm actually saving this for graduation weekend.  

My days of battling depression seem so far away. I feel a peace at lot these days, though they can be filled with hectic schedules.Still, I finally feel as if I have a moment in my life where I can say I'm a bit more than content. I'm happy.

Friday Meltdown

Suddenly January doesn't feel so good. Overall, things are okay, but this week......this week was a bit much.

Of course the WORLD is tuned in on the latest with Haiti since Tuesday's earthquake. Ironically I avoided watching any converge after receiving word that the images are reminders of the devastation of Hurricane Katrina a few years ago. Those images are still FRESH in my memory. Yet, last night, I found myself glued to the tube as I watched Keith Olbermann and Rachael Maddow on MSNBC; both whom seemed visibly choked up at times.

Once again - as with Katrina - I have a friend who is directly affected by such a catastrophic natural disaster. Mr. Sigma, my long time Haitian friend in Miami, has relatives in Haiti. Though the bulk of his family is scattered about in the States, he still has a younger brother and sister, an aunt and her children to worry about. Based on my conversation(s) with him, his family is on pins and needles waiting for word...any word.. about their relatives. Mr. Sigma and I had an in-depth conversation about Haiti's history and possible outlooks for the future. While I pondered over the resilience in Haitians to rebuilt their civilization, Mr. Sigma fears the worse....war and chaos.

The more stories I watch on the news, listen to Mr. Sigma and even think about a classmate of mine who is of Haitian decent and wondered how she and her family are fairing - my heart truly aches...to the point I feel as if I can't watch anymore, but yet I'm stuck listening to Brian Williams give his updates on the Nightly News. Twitter and Facebook has been all a buzz how to contribute to the relief effort.

Text this code here to have your phone bill automatically charged a donation.

Prayer vigil here.

Rally here to discuss action/mobile movement for aid.

Come see your favorite local singer, rapper, poet, etc perform at this benefit concert.

It all seems not enough and partly questionable on the part of the person "supporting"... how sincere are they? So I don't bother. Deep down I wish to be part of the action, but doing what? My mother came up with an idea yesterday while looking at the coverage of the affected children. It's a plan that seems feasible. I'm strongly urged to see how we can get this done.

Aside from the world news involving Haiti, my family has been rocked with some news of our own. My oldest brother, "Geo", has been hospitalized. He went in yesterday and immediately doctors ruled kidney failure, but a battery of test was ran between today and yesterday that kind of pinpoint what's going on.

Where do I begin with this....

Geo is a special case. He has been sick for years (since his early twenties) and for the longest time doctors could not diagnosis him. He has been tested for EVERYTHING and every time a test would come up negative. However, a few years ago I thought the problem was solved. I thought that after seeing another specialist (he had been to several by this time) he had been finally diagnosed as having lupus, which is something he was once tested for and turned up negative. That news had to have came to me sometime in 2001 or a little before or right after that time. Nevertheless, in recent days (before my brother's hospitalization) I learned that he was diagnoised with having something else and NOT lupus. When hearing the name it sounded as if it began with s-c and sounded long. I would listen as my sister would describe the symptoms and such, but still in the back of my head I would wonder do these so-called doctors know what they are doing?

When I last visited with my brother we had a long talk about medicines and so forth. Yeah, I think we can all agree the health care industry is a bunch of crock at this point. However, my major concern has always been is my brother really getting the medical treatment he needs, despite his beliefs as a Jehovah Witness and his views on the medical field. I was shocked to learn that a lot of doctors have been wanting to use him as a guinea pig because his condition has always been deemed rare. I got a little worried when I learned he was on medication, but wasn't getting any better so he took himself off the meds and went the holistic route. Perhaps I took for granted how he seemed to be doing in the process and knew that he was in good hands with our other brother "Chuck" looking after him and my sister as well (whenever needed).

So today's diagnoises.....advanced lupus, which is attacking his system - i.e. kidney.

I took a big sigh when I heard Chuck break it down to me as the doctor told him earlier; a run through Geo's history and bam.. that word lupus again. I spoke to Geo who, as expected, sounded very tired. I held in a lump forming in my throat, because I had plans to see him today, but my day got sour extra quick. I felt bad. With no one to look after the Snickerdoodle for me, I headed up to school with her in tow to speak with my advisor. I expected a wait because this is the first week of the semester and the office is crowded with students seeking overrides and solutions to other issues. Still, a FIVE hour wait PLUS a TWO year-old who doesn't nap EQUALS BAD DAY. To make matters a bit trying, I stood in the hallway when the little one got too wound up straining me ear near the threshold of the advisor suite to make sure I didn't miss my name being called....all the while calling back and forth to the hospital checking on Geo and eventually having to make calls to the aunts, uncle and cousins alerting them about Geo.

Somewhere along the way, I lost it for a moment. I was on the phone with my uncle explaining to him the situation when the Snickerdoodle tried my patience over and over by not sitting still in the chair I designated for her.....running up and down the hall in the midst of foot traffic. Names were being called - barely above normal conversation level - to see the advisor like rapid fire from a machine gun and my uncle was firing question after question.

In the middle of the hall I literally stopped. I put my phone down for a minute or two, let a tear or two roll down my face and did a major "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

I was able to sit the Snickerdoodle back in her chair and resume my conversation with my uncle. Meltdown over with minor after shock of a dull headache. I didn't make it to the hospital today. It was going on 5 pm when I finally saw my advisor. The snickerdoodle was beyond restless and I needed to get her home and fix dinner. Indeed I'll make the trek to see Geo tomorrow with my father. I just need today to cool off.

January is still fairly new. It's been exhausting these couple of weeks, but I don't want to start doubting the new year...not yet. The future of this year seems so bright, and I don't want to loose that optimism. So right now.. I pray for peace of mind. Peace amongst my family (both sides) and just a sense of calmness and of course....balance to life.

And a prayer for Mr. Sigma's family....

 

 

Swimming Into The New Year

As 2009 ended on a slow and awkward note, 2010 entered painlessly marking the beginning of a new decade. Aside from my last minute private reflections of 2009, I didn't take up my cousin's offer to attend her soiree at her place and I didn't spend the final eve of 2009 on someone's dance floor like I really wanted to. It was a "quiet" evening with the family, though I took to a little escape.

While everyone was downstairs whooping it up on the new Wii game system or looking at a bootleg copy of Michael Jackson's "This Is It," I stayed upstairs to close out 2009 by completing some left over duties. More importantly, I tackled my Yahoo email account. It had been ages since I regularly checked every incoming email. Nowadays I just spot check for anything of importance while leaving thousands of emails unopened. Though family and friends still contact me at that address, I'm more prone to use my Hotmail and Gmail accounts. Right now, messages from my woman's writing group take over my Yahoo inbox.

Without much thought, I began mass deleting all unopened emails from any and everyone. I figured if I haven't read it by now, the issue or topic is dead. No need to further forward or even reply. I discovered I had open and unopened emails from 2005, 2006 and 2007. Some of them I reopened to refresh what could me and whomever have so much to say via the internet in five or more emails with the same topic. I found old pictures emailed to me of me dancing in a bar and other little photos friends have emailed for whatever reason or another. Some I kept, some I deleted. Some of those emails brought back feelings of being quasi-carefree while still under the weight of life going awry. Other emails brought on a sense of sadness as some folks I don't even communicate with any more.

I cleaned house (sorta speak) because 1). I was sick of logging onto Yahoo to see I have nearly 3,000 unread emails. 2). I just felt I needed to be proactive and ridding myself of old things. Since the renovations to the house took care of that process already, I still felt weighed by old issues...old things. So I looked to my email accounts.

I've have this overwhelming urge to swim again. Not in the sense that's been presented to me in dreams with the meaning of cleansing; but I really do want to go swimming. Perhaps it is still tied into the whole "cleansing" process I've been in since the latter part of 2008. Maybe I just want to shake away all those micro insecurity jitters I've been feeling lately. If there is ever a time I need a boost in my confidence it is this year. The new year is already chock full of finishing line goals as well as new ones I'm stepping into. I feel myself stepping back to a humble place, but so humble I'm becoming a bit intimidated by what's placed before me. I need to break out of that shell... the shell of fear.

Fear as been on the back burner for the last few months, but it's starting to show. Can I handle the tasks before me? After all, this is what I am trained and love to do. Maybe me cleaning out my inbox was a diversion to keep me from sitting down and quietly map out a strategy for execution for each task.

So far, not sure how to feel about 2010. All I know is, I have one more week of rest before I hit the ground running. Then again I've already begun to run with a couple of telephone meetings to discuss a couple of projects. This is real....real as anything.

2010...a time to truly shine.