Life has thrown me a couple of curve balls lately. Still, I'm coming out ok. I'm feeling pretty random today so maybe I'll list some random things on my mind and add in the the curve balls in between.
- I peeped the the Lady Gaga and Beyonce' "Telephone" video a few weeks ago. People can say what they want about GaGa, but I love her theatrical style, abstract meanings and so forth. The video for Telephone, though had nothing to do with the actual lyrics - well maybe the chorus - had some kind of meaning behind its Quentin Tarantino Kill Bill spoof. I don't follow culture critic Toure on Twitter, but a few days after the video premiere I stumbled on his Twitter timeline. He actually hit the meanings/symbols in the video right on the head.
Toure's Tweets (@ToureX)
"In Telephone Gaga's saying stop calling me, I don't want to think, I want to unplug from the world and just lose myself in dancing/clubbing. "
"Gaga's desire to unplug from society is in the video in 3 ways: leaving prison, killing e'one in the diner & "promising" to never return... "
"In killing e'one in the diner she is symbolically killing Americana but she's in red, white & blue so she too is America... "
"Which to me says [MEME REDACTED] which is a very powerful symbol. "
"But America is almost constantly at war with itself & battling to define itself like a teenager fighting toward their identity"
"Gaga in prison w glasses made of burning cigarettes (which we all know is prison currency) is her entering "jail-rich" & using $ as fashion."
Course, cigarettes are also called fags and she's wearing the cigarette glasses as she kisses a woman in a "prison for bitches."
- Thanks to Beyonce' now whenever I tell someone they have been "very bad" it just comes out sounding erotic.
- I have a taste for a nice ice cold glass of Sangria and a plate full of Cuban cuisine
Curveball 1: After four years of an unexplained disappearing act my HIM from New York has resurfaced. My long ago kryptonite that made me cry on contact at the sound of his voice oozing over the phone. A connection so strong without physical intimacy, but a real life Carrie and Big played out; the push and pull and 13 year age difference that probably played a role. I was left speechless when I logged onto my instant messenger after neglecting it for months and reading an offline message from HIM in the midst of countless others wondering where I was hiding. Honestly, I felt as if I were being punk'd. Four years? Really?
He finally caught up to me. We talked. There is an explanation; one that baffles me a bit but at least I have a sense that it wasn't as if he stood me up many moons ago. It was more of a situation in which he didn't trust me enough to let me in on what was really going on with him. He claimed that for four years all he could think about was how he was never able to tell me the truth and how he truly felt for me but didn't want me to judge him. All he wanted was my forgiveness. I forgave.
Imagine his shock to learn that I've become a mother. "Someone beat me to it" is all he could say. I was quiet. Shortly after the conversation ended with him saying "take care." It was weird. I wanted him to say more. Something to let me know that I didn't imagine those feelings and emotions back then when he was around. A couple of days later we talked again. I went for the gusto asking him was everything he felt real. He affirmed, but perhaps miffed by my questions he asked "what are we doing here and now?"
I grabbed a hold of myself. Obviously we can't move forward together. Things are very cozy with Papi, but still like he always does when he resurfaces, my HIM from NY haunts me. However, as I said about ghosts, all they want is to be remembered. My HIM from NY will not be forgotten.
- I picked up the current issues of Essence and Ebony magazines. I can't believe how stunning singer Sade looks @ 50 and is gracing the cover of Ebony. I skimmed through Essence and saw the photo spread of Shaquille O'Neal's (ex?) wife, Shaunie. She is GORGEOUS! Shaq what was you thinking man to step out on her?
Curveball 2: Dreams still consume me as I had one recently that is probably a reflection about another transition that will take place soon. In a matter of weeks I'll be graduating and my internship will end. I love the publication and love what I am doing despite that faux pas from a few ago. Yet, I feel conflicted inside. Part of me wants to stay long after the internship ends and really buckle down and build my "career" from there. But the other part me isn't quite sure if this is "home" for me. Everyone is great, but sometimes I feel a bit out of place. I'm (maybe) one of a couple or really the only black chic on the editorial side. The office culture itself is one like no other (from my previous work places) where it's serious enough to produce work but very informal. Hell, they initiate and encourage bake offs for staff member's birthdays and have a massage therapist that comes once a month. Everyone seems to have a quirk about them which is one of the things I love about this place, but still....how do I fit in... DO I even fit in? I'll even admit that after reading an email the other day about a new hire who is fresh out of school kinda brought me down. The email pretty much illustrated how the new hire is truly dedicated to the profession of journalism.
My dream took me to a scene from a show I caught on TV a few weeks ago; Culture Clash Wedding - where couples who want to go outside of their own tradition and have a wedding of another culture. My dream was based off an episode of a White Christian couple prepping for a traditional Hindu wedding. In the dream I was in a traditional Hindu wedding saree and I was still being prepped. I was sitting as my hair was being worked on and I was greeted by a receiving line of White people which I presumed in the dream were my hubby-to-be's family. I don't remember much of anything else, but that particular scene as that stood out the most.
Normally weddings in a dream signfy commitment and transition. At this point I'm not exactly sure what's in store for me beyond May.
- I need a new pair of jeans. Another (favorite) pair bit the dust.
- Wanting some of that vanilla yogurt in the fridge now
- I took too long to write this.